Not1b4me’s Blog

WeRtheVoices

Monks

Some monks were running low on funds, but didn’t want to close up their monastery. After much consideration, they decided to start selling the flowers they grew. Soon after opening up shop, business boomed, much to their delight. They had plenty of cash now for burlap and oatmeal and all the good things monks need. Unfortunately, their town already HAD a flower shop. The disgruntled owner of the rival store tried everything — having discount sales, spreading slander about the monks, and even poisoning the monks’ flower beds. Unfortunately, they’d been heavenly blessed, and nothing could stop their thriving little business venture. Finally, the rival shop owner sought out a very sinister man named Hugh. No one knew his last name, just that he always got the job done, no questions asked. After the appropriate amount of money had changed hands, Hugh went over to the friars’ place, thoroughly beat the hell out of them, and then destroyed their flower beds. The next day, the monks promptly boarded up the windows and closed their shop permanently, thus proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

June 5, 2009 Posted by | Funny | | Leave a comment

Brazilian!!

Subject: Brazilian!!

 
The Dept Of Defense briefed the president this morning. They told President Obama that 2 Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq .

To everyone’s surprise, all the color drained from Obama’s face. Then he collapsed onto his desk,  head in his hands, visibly shaken, almost in tears. Finally, he  composed himself and asked,

‘Just how many is a brazilian?’

This is not surprising, since he obviously has no understanding of billion or trillion either.

April 1, 2009 Posted by | Amusing, Funny | Leave a comment

That’s it in a nutshell

Who’s Listening?
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, “If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?”
Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, “Sure, Why not?”
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, “You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.”
“That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,” says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the Bud says to the young man, “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?”
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, “Okay, why not?”

“You’re a Congressman for the U.S. Government”, says Bud.
“Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie,
“No guessing required.” answered the cowboy.
“You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don’t know a thing about cows… this is a herd of sheep….
Now give me back my dog.”

March 13, 2009 Posted by | Funny | | 1 Comment

To my special friend Gordon, 25 DVDs: Obama gives Brown a set of classic movies

To my special friend Gordon, 25 DVDs: Obama gives Brown a set of classic movies. Let’s hope he likes the Wizard of Oz

By Ian Drury
Last updated at 8:17 AM on 06th March 2009

As he headed back home from Washington, Gordon Brown must have rummaged through his party bag with disappointment.

Because all he got was a set of DVDs. Barack Obama, the leader of the world’s richest country, gave the Prime Minister a box set of 25 classic American films – a gift about as exciting as a pair of socks.

Mr Brown is not thought to be a film buff, and his reaction to the box set is unknown. But it didn’t really compare to the thoughtful presents he had brought along with him.

Marking the special relationship: The Browns put a lot of thought into their gifts for the Obamas - but the gesture did not seem to be reciprocated

Marking the special relationship: The Browns put a lot of thought into their gifts for the Obamas – but the gesture did not seem to be reciprocated

The Prime Minister gave Mr Obama an ornamental pen holder made from the timbers of the Victorian anti-slave ship HMS Gannet.

 

 

 

The unique present delighted Mr Obama because oak from the Gannet’s sister ship, HMS Resolute, was carved to make a desk that has sat in the Oval Office in the White House since 1880.

Mr Brown also handed over a framed commission for HMS Resolute and a first edition of the seven-volume biography of Churchill by Sir Martin Gilbert.

In addition, Mr Brown and his wife showered gifts on the Obama children giving Sasha and Malia an outfit each from Topshop and six children’s books by British authors which are shortly to be published in America.

In return, the Obamas gave the Browns two models of the presidential helicopter, Marine One, to take home to sons Fraser and John.

Mrs Brown has been praised for her well-chosen gifts for the Obama children - but Mrs Obama's gift to the Brown children appeared less thoughtful

Mrs Brown has been praised for her well-chosen gifts for the Obama children – but Mrs Obama’s gift to the Brown children appeared less thoughtful

The Prime Minister has not had the best of luck when receiving gifts from U.S. presidents.

He was given a fur-trimmed brown leather bomber jacket by George W. Bush during his first trip to America in the summer of 2007.

Commentators gleefully pointed out that the garment was hardly in keeping with Mr Brown’s usual sober attire of business suit and tie.

Downing Street yesterday refused to state which movies were in the box set.

But the Mail has learned it included classics such as Star Wars, The Godfather and Citizen Kane and was produced by the American Film Institute as a ‘special request’ for the White House last month.

DVDs

 

Perhaps pertinently, given Britain is floundering in an economic slump, the DVD collection was thought to feature the movie of John Steinbeck’s Great Depression novel, ‘The Grapes Of Wrath’.

The gift also included the Oscar-winning boxing biopic ‘Raging Bull’ starring Robert Di Nero and Alfred Hitchcock’s classic thriller Psycho – maybe a comment on the PM’s notorious short fuse?

And he will hope that at a General Election the British public do not shun his imploration for another term in office by thinking at the ballot box of the famous line from another of the movies, Casblanca: ‘Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.’

But following Mr Brown’s his recent troubles – the UK entering recession, soaring job losses and home repossessions, Labour struggling in the polls and  threats of leadership challenges – he may be pleased at being able to settle down for a quiet night in front of the ultimate feel-good movie: It’s A Wonderful Life.

March 9, 2009 Posted by | Funny, Obama Crap | , | Leave a comment

Socialism

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February 19, 2009 Posted by | Funny | | Leave a comment

Twisted funnies

February 18, 2009 Posted by | Cartoons, Funny | | Leave a comment

Are Reality Shows Setting Unrealistic Standards For Skanks?

FDA Approves Depressant Drug For The Annoyingly Cheerful

February 12, 2009 Posted by | Funny | Leave a comment

YouTube – Obama’s first week The POTUS tells a hilarious joke

February 10, 2009 Posted by | Funny, Obama Crap | | Leave a comment

YouTube – NewsBusted 2/3/09

YouTube – NewsBusted 2/3/09

February 4, 2009 Posted by | Funny | Leave a comment

YouTube – Obama’s first week The POTUS tells a hilarious joke

YouTube – Obama’s first week The POTUS tells a hilarious joke

January 30, 2009 Posted by | Funny, Obama Crap | Leave a comment